Ryan

I love Ryan...a lot...obviously as we are getting married. But I want to write it somehere...and here seemed like a good spot seeing as no one reads this. I cannot imagine someone who could treat me better or make me happier or love me more. Dr. Phil once said that he knows he has succeeded as a man when his wife can "walk into a party with fifty thousand other women and know in her heart that not one of those women is treated better than she is". And I feel that way everywhere I go with Ryan.

He's not the best with words, but he always ultimately says what he needs to say. Even when he asked me to marry him he stumbled and stuttered, but it was perfect, and on the way back to my hourse he started again saying "Well this is what I wanted to say, I just got all mixed up..." And he said some of the most wonderful things I've ever heard anyone say.

He truly places my needs, wants and desires before anyone elses, especially his own. He's one of those guys who will cry watching my movies but won't say a word or shed a tear when he smashes his thumb with a hammer.

It's an amazing feeling to know that you are with the person that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. To know withot a doubt that you are loved. TO have someone to hold you when you hurt and to praise you when you do well and to love you when you don't deserve it.

the good days

I remember the age of 14 so clearly because it was my favorite year. I knew who I was, I belonged, I had wonderful, supportive friends, I was in school, I was a normal fourteen year old. I always look at at that year and wish so badly that I could feel like that again. The feeling of belonging is so incredible. To be able to know in your heart that you can tell your best friend anything and everything, to know that she will be there for you whenever you need her, to know that you are loved, is somthing I never valued enough.

The few years after fourteen were ruined by me. I let myself fall deep and hard. I abandoned my friends and myself. I remember when I was fourteen Carrie, Sarah, Bethany, Val and I had made plans to buy this beautiful home on City Park, and live there together, and I specifically remember Beth saying "you know it's going to happen because we'll make it happen." And now I heven't spoken to any of them in years- and yet at times I consider them still my close friends. It's not that I can just call them up anymore, or that we spend any time together anymore, it's just the memory I have of the hours upon hours we spent together, discussing our futures, our lives, our aches and our joys. The memory will probably lived forever, and I hate the fact that I killed the posibility of it ever again becoming a reality. I'm nearly in tears now just remembering how much I loved Beth and Sarah and, how much I owe to them, and how much I miss them. I remember the last time saw eachother and each time I remember I can't help but cry. I didn't know at that time that it was likely to be the last time. But it was a beautiful moment, and the hug I'll remember forever. I'll never stop missing Bethany. PErhaps it's because it was one of the last happy times in my life before it fell apart, or perhaps it's because the bonds of friendship are not easily or painlessly broken, or perhaps its because Bethany and Sarah are just incredible people.

I don't mean to ramble, but I miss my "old" life so much. From fifteen through eighteen I truly struggled to survive, especially my seventeenth year. I look back at that year and I don't know how I made it. I was hurting inside a lot and I couldn't tell anyone. I was young, and scared and didn't even know who to tell. So I put myself on a narrow path toward self-destruction. I was humiliated and hurting, and I wish so badly that I had reached out to someone. I don't think I was as alone as a I felt. Eventually though I did reach out, because I truly reached a point where it was either die or live, and for some reason, I knew i wasn't ready to die. I didn't reach out t friends, I was too scared, but I decided to get help and that is when I moved to Toledo. It wasn't a hard choice to leave as I'd already lost so many friends, and I didn't have the strength to work anymore, and my family wanted so badly for me to be happy and healthy again. I never want to get so low again. It's a struggle though, every day it is a struggle. But I'm doing well.

Ryan has been wonderful though. I am so blessed to have him. He knows everything and although he may not understand it all, he loves me and supports me. I have come a long way since we first started dating, and I don't think I'll every fall as low and hard as I did.

One just can't help remembering the "good times".

21

I made it through my 21st bday without coming home wasted! What an accomplishment, huh? Life is is weird sometimes. ALL day everyone at work kept talking about how "important" it was that I get drunk tonight- claiming it was an "American Tradition". Yeah, well, I would really hope that American's would celebrate true traditions more often and stupid ones less frequently.

Anyway, I don't feel like venting any more. It was a good birthday, Ryan took me out to eat and then we met up with some friends and played darts- and I threw really good darts, even Ryan acknowledged them! Though after three years of playing darts you would hope one would be able to consistently hit the bullseye.

I work today- only 7 1/2 hours (which compared to the 14 yesterday is pretty good), but not until 3pm. I'll probably meet Ryan for lunch and maybe run a few errands. I have a hard time sitting at home alone. I like to be with people, strangers or friends. It gets lonely at home. I love my apartment, it is cute and peaceful, but empty as well.

Yet I love Toledo. I don't know why. It's not lovely or active or even that fun. But it's safe. I know how to get from here to there. I have friends. I've changed since moving here 3 years ago. Some good and some bad. Some things I'm proud of and others I'm not.

I'm almost scared of moving back to Rochester. So much has changes. I lost a lot of awesome and beautiful friends when I left. Mostly my fault- I'm horrible at keeping in contact with people. The only thing that connects me to Rochester is my family. I'm not saying that family is not enough, because it is (otherwise I would obviously not be moving), but there are certain comforts that will take awhile to find. I don't know how to get from East Rochester to Webster, or from the movie theater to Wegmans. I don't know if/where 390, 490 and 590 connect. I mean here I know that if I jump on 75S and merge toward 475w and pass Central, Douglas and Secor, get off at Talmade and turn right I will end up at the Franklin Park Mall. And that's nice. I hate driving in Rochester now. There is not one time that I have been in Rochester in the last 3 years in which I haven't gotten completely lost.

Anyway- I'm rambling. My point is just that I'm scared. I'm going to be a married woman in less than 4 months. I'm going to be leaving my job, my friends, my apartment for a very brand new married life in about 6 months.

God

Life has been crazy lately. I'm so tired all the time and yet have more to do than ever. I had so much to do today- my day off- and did I get even one thing done? nope. I ready the 3rd Chronicles of Narnia book instead. Not an entirely horrible thing to do, but not very productive either. But maybe that is what I needed. A break. An escape into a world other than my own.

I curled up in my white feather blanket on my bed in my fuzzy pajamas and got lost in Narnia. I love Aslan. In one scene the young boy (shasta) is walking alone on a mountain path and suddenly notices that he is not alone, but is scared to say anything or acknowledge that is not alone until he cannot deny the presence of something large. When the boys asks who is there, a voice replies that it is something that has been waiting for him to speak. Shasta soon realizes that it is a large and beautiful lion who is later revealed to be Aslan. Aslan explains how he had guided young Shasta through his life, protected him. Aslan stays with the boy for some time along his journey. The next day when Shasta was walking along the same path, but this time in daylight, he realizes that Aslan had been walking along side Shasta to prevent him from falling off the steep ledge on the left side of the path.

This made me think. How often am I convinced that I am walking alone, how often do I refuse to acknowledge God's presence even though it is so plainly obvious? How often is God leading me through obstacles and challenges without me taking the time to be aware? To be thankful?

Pictures

Time

It is incredible to me how time slips away. I fill my days with so many things that at the end of each day, week, month and year I can hardly believe it is over. In two weeks I'll be 21, in less than 5 months I'll be married, in 7 months I'lll be moving to rochester. And as far away as these events seem, I know that far too quickly they will be done and I'll have so many more things in my future...school, a good job, a house, children, grandchildren, etc....and I know when my I hold my first grandchild- when much of society will begin to consider me "old", I'll feel like it wasn't that long ago that I was looking forward to my 21st birthday.

Lately I have felt torn in too many ways. Between work, socialization, wedding planning, family, my fiance and sleep I don't know where I should be focusing my time. I thought I was doing well with the wedding planning until I was speaking to a social friend of mine who got married last May and as I listened to her talk about he own wedding I suddenly realized how far behind I truly am. I still have to figure out songs, colors, catering, flowers, cake, decorationes, ceremony, etc. And I don't have a clue where to start, or how to start. If the wedding were in Toledo it would be a bit easier because I wouldn't have to drive six hours to taste cake, choose flowers or do gown fittings.

I guess I'm just slightly overwhelmed. Yet, I have been happier lately that I have been in so long. I'm excited to the point of not being able to sleep- and I have 5 months to go!!!