the good days

I remember the age of 14 so clearly because it was my favorite year. I knew who I was, I belonged, I had wonderful, supportive friends, I was in school, I was a normal fourteen year old. I always look at at that year and wish so badly that I could feel like that again. The feeling of belonging is so incredible. To be able to know in your heart that you can tell your best friend anything and everything, to know that she will be there for you whenever you need her, to know that you are loved, is somthing I never valued enough.

The few years after fourteen were ruined by me. I let myself fall deep and hard. I abandoned my friends and myself. I remember when I was fourteen Carrie, Sarah, Bethany, Val and I had made plans to buy this beautiful home on City Park, and live there together, and I specifically remember Beth saying "you know it's going to happen because we'll make it happen." And now I heven't spoken to any of them in years- and yet at times I consider them still my close friends. It's not that I can just call them up anymore, or that we spend any time together anymore, it's just the memory I have of the hours upon hours we spent together, discussing our futures, our lives, our aches and our joys. The memory will probably lived forever, and I hate the fact that I killed the posibility of it ever again becoming a reality. I'm nearly in tears now just remembering how much I loved Beth and Sarah and, how much I owe to them, and how much I miss them. I remember the last time saw eachother and each time I remember I can't help but cry. I didn't know at that time that it was likely to be the last time. But it was a beautiful moment, and the hug I'll remember forever. I'll never stop missing Bethany. PErhaps it's because it was one of the last happy times in my life before it fell apart, or perhaps it's because the bonds of friendship are not easily or painlessly broken, or perhaps its because Bethany and Sarah are just incredible people.

I don't mean to ramble, but I miss my "old" life so much. From fifteen through eighteen I truly struggled to survive, especially my seventeenth year. I look back at that year and I don't know how I made it. I was hurting inside a lot and I couldn't tell anyone. I was young, and scared and didn't even know who to tell. So I put myself on a narrow path toward self-destruction. I was humiliated and hurting, and I wish so badly that I had reached out to someone. I don't think I was as alone as a I felt. Eventually though I did reach out, because I truly reached a point where it was either die or live, and for some reason, I knew i wasn't ready to die. I didn't reach out t friends, I was too scared, but I decided to get help and that is when I moved to Toledo. It wasn't a hard choice to leave as I'd already lost so many friends, and I didn't have the strength to work anymore, and my family wanted so badly for me to be happy and healthy again. I never want to get so low again. It's a struggle though, every day it is a struggle. But I'm doing well.

Ryan has been wonderful though. I am so blessed to have him. He knows everything and although he may not understand it all, he loves me and supports me. I have come a long way since we first started dating, and I don't think I'll every fall as low and hard as I did.

One just can't help remembering the "good times".