Being Twenty

Have you ever reached a certain age and realized you are not where/who you dreamed you would be? I'm 20 and so far from where I want to be. If someone looked at my life from the outside I am sure I wouldn't look so bad, but from the inside I know there is so much left to do. Yet, I'm tired too. I'm tired of everything. I work almost non-stop, I have few friends who actually know who I am, and I am lonely.

I was never the "typical" teenager, I was an old teenager. Now I'm an "adult" and more lost than ever. I know where I want to be, and I know generally how to get there, but bits and pieces of my map are missing and instead of buying a whole map I just get lost in the missing pieces.

It's not all me, part of it is the system of our wonderful world. I cannot afford college and yet am not elligibe for financial aid. So I must work and if I work I have little energy left to attend classes. I have been in college for 4 years now and I have nothing to show for it. Sure I have a 4.0, but that doen't go far without a degree to go with it.

And as much as I love the indiviuals I serve at work, I am very burned out, but where else does a young , degreeless woman find a job that pays enough to cover rent, bill, school and at least a little bit of a social life?

Alright, I'm rambling. I'm just now who I thought I would be. I'm not even who I want to be. I have made it a long way from rock bottom 4 years ago, but not far enough. It's amazing what one remembers about the day they realized they had hit the bottom and it's amazing how much the memory of that day haunts you. I need a degree in life reconstruction :-).