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i have edited the post from this morning throughout the day. i fight to not delete it. i just feel really lost right now.

people annoy me sometimes. if fact they can really just piss me off.

there is a woman at work, who a bit over a year ago (she was 19 then) her fiance was killed. two weeks later she found out she was pregnant. with little support and feeling utterly alone, she chose to abort the baby.

she had to take some time off of work. when she came back EVERYONE knew why she had been off. and she suddenly became the slut. the whore. (these names were not just thought but said to her face) she was no longer a woman. no longer an employee. a person who was hurting. instead of loving her as Jesus does her co-workers chose to judge her.

why are people like that. where is the mercy. where is the gentleness. why must people fight their battles alone?

sometimes you get hit hard. and sometimes you just give up. You let life go one and walk around with a smile. you become passive. i've become passive. i've started to focus on the day and tune out what is real. i struggle through each day looking forward to only when i can go to bed again.
i find excuses....i've already caused my family too much pain...my husband is struggling to adjust and i can't burden him...my best friend is busy with her family and school...all basically cover ups for the fact that i am scared to know who i am...i don't want to know who i am...

For 3 years my identity became anorexia. i concentrated all of my energy on work and not eating. It was easy. People didn't ask how I was because my 85 pound frame told them and they honestly probably didn't want to know. I didn't tell people how i was because my brain could only focus on the anorexia. I never realized how little control i had. i'd been in treatment once but i didn't give it a chance. I became angry at the world.

three years ago this coming January, I was raped twice by someone I trusted. I blamed myself and hated myself and fell further away from those who loved me. I'm struggling to write this. My husband is the only one who knows. I've deleted and re-written this part many times and there is really no "good" way to put it. My husband has begged me to talk about it but i've pushed him away. and in doing so i have hurt him. i feel ashamed. i am vulnerable. If you stop reading and turn away now I do not blame you.

Why am i writing this now? It's not for you. It's for me. the details are not important. but i know i must acknowledge my own pain. my own humiliation. because no matter how hard i try it doesn't go away. i hide and it still finds me. it still haunts me. it still scares me. it still hurts me. it still breaks me.

what do i do now?

for awhile i was doing well...i was happy...but i think it was because i converted to autopilot.

its really easy to ignore the hurt when you use autopilot. when you live each day just to go to bed exhausted. when you don't get close to people so that they don't see how much you hurt how messed up you are on the inside.

because no matter how happy i think i am it always comes back

and really i'm tired of holding onto everything.

i thought (hoped) coming back to rochester would help. at least i wouldn't be terrified of running into him at the grocery story. at least i wouldn't live in the same apartment.

perhaps that is why i hurt so much now. because it didn't help.

i'm lost and i don't know where to go from here.

I feel myself slipping. I see all of the warning signs. and to be very blunt i want to fall back into old patterns because at least then, at least when i didn't eat or when i threw up i didn't feel. and right now it is a daily struggle to be healthy.

i feel very vulnerable right now.

i need to break this cycle and i am lost as to how to do it.

i cannot write anymore. there is nothing more to write. but i don't want to push the publish button. all i ask is please don't judge. please don't feel sorry. please don't be mad. and please be patient with me.

Exhaustion is setting in

It seems lately I am always the first to try to do it all and the last to ask for help. Things are really getting hectic lately. I guess it is frustrating because for so long I have felt like I'm finally catching up, finally feeling good, finally truly happy. But for the last few weeks I have felt like I am losing control.

I rarely resort to tears, but yesterday, as I was sitting in our car waiting for my husband to get off work so I could go to school figure out whether or not I was going to have to pay for a class I never went to because I though it didn't start until next week, the tears came. I tried to hold them back...I mean if I have to cry I would truly prefer to not do it in a parking lot at work...but they came anyway. I just wanted someone to talk to...I just wanted someone to listen...all the while forgetting that there is Someone who cares, Someone who wants to hear my voice, someone who wants to hold me in his arms...Someone who loved me even before time began. And as I cried I started talking. Talking to my Father...I told him everything I'd been holding inside...the tears dried and I found the strength I needed to face the rest of the day...

I think for too long I've tried to do it all by myself...I've forgotten my own limitations and I've forgotten my Father's strength...

I am struggling right now with a battle I was sure was already won. And it frustrates me. Which then of course just makes everything worse. But I'm not alone.

Things aren't going to magically get better...an I'm probably not going to wake up tomorrow free of these struggles, but now I have found a source of hope...and for tonight that is enough.

Work has been tough. I've been moved to a site with very high needs. And that is okay...but it is hard when I had just gotten used to and happy at my previous site. I was finally seriously happy to go to work and absolutely loved my job...and I'm not saying that I won't learn to love where I am at now, but it is very tiring and it will take time. I know they moved my because they believe my strengths will be of great benefit to this new struggling site- and I should be proud that my work has been noticed, but I was enjoying the "break"- I was enjoying not having to bring work home with me- it not being my main topic of conversation- going home and not being in physical pain. For 3 years my life was work and it burned me out- so the break was such a breath of fresh air...

School is alright- I love my sign language class and my psych class is difficult but okay. I just need to find balance.

Married life couldn't be better. Ryan has been so good to me throughout this transition time and I am working hard to recognize the difficulty he is facing with the move and new job. We have been back to Ohio a few times and I think he is driving down again the weekend. He is so patient and understanding with me.

I guess the hardest part about the move for both of us is the loss of friendships and the challenge is gaining new friendships. We are both a bit shy around new people and honestly I do not know how to meet new people. In Ohio it wasn't that hard because I met people at work and at the Clinic- but right now neither of us work with people our age and when we do they have a different kind of social life (drinking, partying, etc). We prefer to go out in small groups, play games, watch movies, talk, have dinner, etc. I really just want someone I can call and just talk to, someone I can go out for lunch with on the weekends, someone who really knows ME and I really know them.

Anyway- I'm rambling...