sometimes you get hit hard. and sometimes you just give up. You let life go one and walk around with a smile. you become passive. i've become passive. i've started to focus on the day and tune out what is real. i struggle through each day looking forward to only when i can go to bed again.
i find excuses....i've already caused my family too much pain...my husband is struggling to adjust and i can't burden him...my best friend is busy with her family and school...all basically cover ups for the fact that i am scared to know who i am...i don't want to know who i am...

For 3 years my identity became anorexia. i concentrated all of my energy on work and not eating. It was easy. People didn't ask how I was because my 85 pound frame told them and they honestly probably didn't want to know. I didn't tell people how i was because my brain could only focus on the anorexia. I never realized how little control i had. i'd been in treatment once but i didn't give it a chance. I became angry at the world.

three years ago this coming January, I was raped twice by someone I trusted. I blamed myself and hated myself and fell further away from those who loved me. I'm struggling to write this. My husband is the only one who knows. I've deleted and re-written this part many times and there is really no "good" way to put it. My husband has begged me to talk about it but i've pushed him away. and in doing so i have hurt him. i feel ashamed. i am vulnerable. If you stop reading and turn away now I do not blame you.

Why am i writing this now? It's not for you. It's for me. the details are not important. but i know i must acknowledge my own pain. my own humiliation. because no matter how hard i try it doesn't go away. i hide and it still finds me. it still haunts me. it still scares me. it still hurts me. it still breaks me.

what do i do now?

for awhile i was doing well...i was happy...but i think it was because i converted to autopilot.

its really easy to ignore the hurt when you use autopilot. when you live each day just to go to bed exhausted. when you don't get close to people so that they don't see how much you hurt how messed up you are on the inside.

because no matter how happy i think i am it always comes back

and really i'm tired of holding onto everything.

i thought (hoped) coming back to rochester would help. at least i wouldn't be terrified of running into him at the grocery story. at least i wouldn't live in the same apartment.

perhaps that is why i hurt so much now. because it didn't help.

i'm lost and i don't know where to go from here.

I feel myself slipping. I see all of the warning signs. and to be very blunt i want to fall back into old patterns because at least then, at least when i didn't eat or when i threw up i didn't feel. and right now it is a daily struggle to be healthy.

i feel very vulnerable right now.

i need to break this cycle and i am lost as to how to do it.

i cannot write anymore. there is nothing more to write. but i don't want to push the publish button. all i ask is please don't judge. please don't feel sorry. please don't be mad. and please be patient with me.