Throughout the day, every day, I struggle to be me. I've always been careful of who I let in...who I allow to see me. Sometimes I'll slip and say something and everyone will stop and look at me and the response is always "I never thought you would do/think/say something like that". and I realize that people don't know me. They know who i let them know and that is often not me.

There is a pressure at work to be my mom. Everyone knows my mom and seeing as she is the Spriritual Care Director there is the expectation that I am perfect...because of course mom must be perfect if she is the director of spiritual care. There is little room for error. This is fine because I am a perfectionist when it comes to work...but once in awhile I want to be someone other than Lida's daughter. But I'm not good at being Charissa because many days I don't even know who she is. What does Charissa believe? What does Charissa want? What does Charissa need? It's really easy to just go with what people think I believe, want and need.

It's easy to say/think/do what people expect of you or what they think you should say. I'm good at reading people and knowing what they expect me to say or do. But this isn't always a good skill to possess. Because then I get to this point in my life where I am suddenly lost and trying desperately to figure out who I am not. Not in an identity crisis sort of situation, more in that I finally realizing that I want to know who I am.

I want to move forward. I often feel held back by my life- by the people I try to please- by the expectations I have always held of myself. But I am tired of that life. I am tired of always knowing what I should say and do especially when I know that it is not what i want or need. But I am terrified of dissapointing people. I know i am full on contradictions in this post...but perhaps they reflect the trueness of this struggle I am facing.

There is pain and anger and sadness and happiness and joy that I have not allowed myself to feel because of my own fears and I must feel these. As scared as I am of anger, pain and sadness this life I am living is void of these vital emotions or at least the full extent of these emotions. And if I keep covering them up, hiding them, I will probably never move to where I want or rather NEED to be.

I've never felt safe to be angry or hurt, beacuse they are not "safe" emotions, I'm scared that I don't know how to control them, but denying myself the right to feel, to think, to be me is leading me toward a very lonely road. And I am tired of being lonely. I really do want people to know me. I really want to be me. I want to know me.

I will have more to write later but for now this is enough.