Control

For so long the only way I felt safe was when I was in control. Many parts of my life built my need for control stronger and stronger. From being raised in a chaotic large family, to a unstable education, through an eating disorder, through rape, through separation from my family...I could only function when I felt I had some sort of control. If this meant taking the blame for things that weren't my fault, or if this meant shutting down when things fell apart, or hiding from the truth- I did it because otherwise I would have probably given up a long time ago.

Until the last 7 months. During the last 7 months I was forced to realize that sometimes I can't have the control. Through my little unborn child, God has shown me that sometimes (more often than not), I have to let go of the control. I have to place my baby's health, happiness and life into His hands. This has been difficult to learn, to do, but through this I have learned that control isn't all I've chalked it up to be. The responsibility for the health and happiness of a child is too overwhelming for one person to handle and I think that is partially why children are one of God's most precious gifts- among many other things, children teach their parents the limits of their power. Parents obviously have great responsibility when it comes to raising and loving their children- but only one parent can do it all- only one parent can heal their child- only one parents can protect His child from all harm- and that parent is not you or I, that parent is our Abba, and He has promised to do these things if we place the control, the faith and the hope in Him.

It took the complete loss of control for me to learn that control is not everything I thought it was. To be honest, I don't think I could handle the responsibility of being a mother to a small child if I did not know that I don't have to do it alone.