Learning...

This has been probably one of the most challenging weeks of my life. I feel like I finally start to feel okay, to find confidence in life, to trust and then it all falls apart.

To be honest, if I went into the detail I doubt they would make any sense and I serious doubt that they are important. What is important is that I am trying to use this time as a time to learn something, because I know otherwise I will crawl into my hole and stay there for a very long time.

For the first time every I am letting go of being "perfect". It is no longer going to be my goal. It cannot be because when I try to be perfect I actually end up holding myself back from all that God has for me.

Instead of focusing on the important parts of life, the beautiful parts of life, I have been distracted by how imperfect I am and I have lived a very discouraged life because of that. Every day is full of my failures, my dissapointments, my imperfections. I've never felt I was good enough- always striving for the day when all would be right and good. And that day will not be found on this earth.

This is challenging for me, it hurts. I can't tell you the number of times I have completely broken down during the last few days- and not just in the privacy of my room- at work, in my car, in my moms car. My desire for perfection has finally truly broken me.

But I know I must let go of it. I must realize that life is not about perfection. There is no perfect person nor thing other than God and yet God loves all of his creations. Striving for the impossible can only bring pain, humiliation and failure. I cannot continue to beat myself up for things I cannot or could not control, and even if I could control some things, I cannot beat myself up for mistakes. I have to be able to go on...or I will never move from this place in my life- and this place in my life really isn't the greatest place to be...