Some weeks I cannot wait to be out of Ohio. To be home. To be done with this part of my life.

And yet I wonder if leaving will be all that different. If I'll actually feel better or be happy. Obviously it will be change, but will it be different? Or am I just trying to change what's on the outside instead taking a deep look inside?

I seem to struggle through each day lately. I'm tired. Tired of my job. Tired of being lonely. Tired of going nowhere.

I have this picture of living in New York, working a job I love, married to the most wonderful man in the world, belonging to a church, etc. But is that really what it wil be? I guess there is no way to know for sure, but I think I need to be prepared for it to not be as easy and rewarding as I dream it will be. I have to realize it's not going to be perfect. But when you're 21 and engaged to be married in two months it's hard to realize that life isn't always perfect or fair or always beautiful.

Just because I'm in a different city doesn't mean anything else is going to change.

It's going to be hard to balance full-time work with full-time school. It's going to be different to be only 45 minutes or less from my family. It's going to be different to learn to adjust to live with someone else after almost 4 years of living alone.

I am excited. I just have to remember that I cannot only change the outside, I have to be willing to work on what's inside as well.

Compassion

The lack of compassion at my place of work never fails to amaze me. From day one I have struggled with the lack of empathy, compassion and understanding. I mean, I work in a field in which caregiving is the number one task, our mission is to provide quality, dignified and excellent care for individuals who need our support. And yet, when it comes down to it, the administration focus' primarily on rules, regulations, policies, etc. As a supervisor I bring my concerns up regularly and yet they seem to go unheard. I've come up with specific ideas that would help us become more compassionate toward our employees. And in three years there has been no change. The response I got yesterday from a man I respect greatly at work, was, "You can't control anyone but yourself, do your best to make your employees enjoy their work, do what you can to uplift, encourage and support your staff, and that is the best you can do". Which is good advice, but it's not entirely possible. There are roadblocks to this set up by my supervisors. I buy birthday cards and gift cards and take my staff out to eat, and go to funerals for family members, and spend hours every week at home on the phone listening to their concerns...but this is not enough. It is more than most employees receive but the employees' should know that they matter to everyone, not just their direct supervisor. And every employee should know they are respected and valuable.

I used to work for an organization that provides the same services as where I currently work, and I truly believe they are the most empathetic, person-centered, compassionate place to work. When my grandfather died, two upper-management employees drove four hours to his funeral. When I was fifteen and had to go Toledo for the first time for anorexia, they gave my mom six PAID weeks off to be with me. When I graduated High School they sent me an awesome care package and they did the same when I left for college. These are just a few examples. What is most important though is that I felt that I belonged. I loved to come to work every day.

This lacks from my current job. I truly cannot wait to get out of this job and my old one.

I guess what initiated this whole post is this: Last night I was watching the 11:00 news. There was a story about an apartment complex that had gone up in flames around 7pm and left narly 200 people homeless. The looks on the faces of the people who had just lost everything were difficult to watch. What was even worse was that the fire started in a buidling that was being rebuilt from a fire a year ago, and many of the people who had lived in that building had since moved to the building next to it, which was also destroyed in the fire last night. These people lost everything not once, but two times in one year. Everything. I continued to watch the horrible story. Pictures of shivering children watching their homes burn. Elderly women wrapped in blankets watching their homes, pictures, and possesions eaten by the fire. And then came the voice, "I've lost everything...It happened so quick...I've never seen anything like this.." I knew that voice, and I looked and realized it was one of my staff. Young, only 25, and she had just lost everything. This women has been through a very difficult year. Just a few months ago her then boyfriend destroyed her apartment because he thought she was cheating on him. He destroyed everything. Clothing, furniture, pictures, everything. So she moved to her new apartment and began redecorating, buying new furniture, etc. But she was still struggling with everything. She tried to kill herself. Two weeks later she had a heart attack from all the stress. And now this. She called me late last night asking if she could use three weeks of vacation to get through this.

I called my supervisor to get approval- and the first words out of his mouth were "she didn't do this on purpose in order to get vacation time, did she?" I was dumbfounded. How could he ask such a thing? I quickly answered no. He said it would be up to me to approve the vacation (which I will of course do). But this is not the only time I have been shocked at the outright lack of empathy my company has.

There are two women who had worked for my company for over 20 years. In the last year both of them lost their mothers. I was the only one in the entire company to acknowledge their pain, to attend the funerals, send flowers and support them. TWENTY years! Can you imagine working for a place for almost you entire adult life, and having no one acknowledge your pain. This is a small company. It's not like we have thousands or even hundreds of employees. Why is it so hard to give someone a hug or at least a card- letting them know we care.