Better

It's been three days since I learned that in 8 months we (my husband and I) will be having a baby.

The surprise is wearing off. So is the horrible anxiety I felt for the first 2 days. My stomach still flutters each time I think of it, but I feel better.

We layed our hands on the baby (er..my stomach)...and prayed for strength, wisdom, and health. I have done that every morning and throughout the day. Perhaps that is why I am more at peace.

In my mind I don't understand the timing, but God must have a plan. And I must continue to remind myself of that.

I don't know what to say...

I really don't. I am so caught off guard.

SO I will just say it: Ryan and I just found out that I am pregnant.

I should be thrilled.

I am terrified.

I don't know what to say.

No Title

When I write I am me. Perhaps because it is the one time I allow myself to think. Instead of focusing on the day and the next thing on my mile long to-do list, I allow myself to be real.

I've had a difficult few weeks. I just feel lost. I know where I want to be and I haven't a clue how to get there from here. Sometimes I even have to stop and remind myself that there is more. That I cannot settle. And I have to remind myself why I am continuing on-why I continue to hope that it will get better- when it hurts so to do so.

I wanted things to be different when we went to Ohio this weekend and it wasn't. The feelings. The fear. The hurt. The humiliation. The anger. It all slapped me accross the face. A jolt I wasn't prepared for. Perhaps I should have known this would happen. I can't expect to snap my fingers and change my world. But how I had hoped I could.

I still go through most of my days attempting to forget the emotions that are bound up in me. I don't know how to let them out. I guess I just want to be able to do so and still feel "safe" and I don't think that can happen. (not safe in the sense that nothing can hurt me but safe in the sense that my world won't topple if I let someone in, if I get mad or if I cry).

At the end of each day I cannot help but feel frustrated and dissapointed at my feeble attempts to be me, to heal and to do more than survive. And this is building. It's my perfectionistic side. I set out to do something and when it doesn't work out as neatly and nicely as my mind says it should I just shut down again- perpetuating the whole thing.

I think this weekend was just a big blow to me and I am struggling to recover from it. but it is only Monday, so maybe tomorrow ;-)

A song by Tracy Chapman (one of my favorit artists):

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
Theres a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside

Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you cant live
Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone

What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key
Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why

Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key
Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank
Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
Youve gone to wizards, princes and magic men
Youve gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent
But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And dont forget that you defend an empty space
And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your hear and take it back

Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray