As Things Unfold

Sorry!

2008-12-16T23:58:00.002-05:00

Wow...more than a month since my last post! Can you tell it's been hectic?

I have one more final until I receive my associates in elementary education (a basically worthless degree) and then on to Brockport.

We found daycare and the woman is willing to work with what we can afford!! She is a sweet lady, mother of 5 and grandmother of 7 (all under 4 years old!). She is currently only watching one other child (10 month old boy), which will really help Lily in adjusting to this change. I am still sad to have to leave her with someone other than a family member, but I know she will be completely fine.

Lily amazes us every day with how much she understands of our world. She still isn't saying many words, but she is using sign language a lot more which is so sweet to see! She loves to draw (all over my homework!) and be outside (why does it have to be so cold here?!?), and read books. She does still have quite a temper, but she is never upset for long. She likes to help clean (especially scrubbing her crayon markings off the floor) and loves music (such a cute little dancer). We were watching 'Everybody Loves Raymond' tonight and Raymond was in a jazzersize class and Lily started copying the jazzersize moves- too cute!

We decided to adopt a dog and on Monday, Penny joined our family. She is a 1 year old hound/mix. I'll post pictures eventually ;). Ever try walking a hound? Not fun, she has to smell every little thing! But she is a sweet dog and so patient with Lily.

The day we got her I was doing dishes and realized I hadn't heard Lily for a few minutes, I went looking and she and Penny were lying on a blanket in our room staring at each other- Lily had her little arm on penny's side and they were content as ever. Of course by the time I got the camera Lily was up and running around again.

So, that is about all. I am so thrilled to have a month break coming up- maybe the house will actually stay clean after our thorough weekend cleanings! Lily is great about putting her toys away, but just as good at getting them all back out 5 minutes later, so during the week I just give up and leave them out. At least now we have Penny to pick up the floor after dinner...it's amazing how big of a mess a little girl can make!

The Future

2008-10-26T22:50:00.003-04:00

For the last year or so my focus has been almost entirely on the here and now. Each day is planned. Moday I get up at 8am. I get breakfast for Lily and I. We play. We read. I finish some last minute homework. I go to school. I get Lily lunch. I get her to nap. I go to work. I make dinner. I play with Lily. I put Lily to bed. I do homework. Everyday goes in pretty much this order. There is no time to think of tomorrow, next week or even next year. I don't know that this is a bad thing.

But there are days where it's more challenging to ignore the future. In less than 2 months I will have to find a daycare for Lily. In less than 2 months we will somehow have to squeeze $500-$1000 out of our pitiful paychecks every month to pay for this daycare, and I am pretty sure we won't be able to do that without debt . In 3 months I will be at Brockport and we will have to take out student loans. More debt. SOmething I had hoped to avoid. I think about going back to work full-time to help cover the cost of daycare, but then I worry about working full-time and going to school full-time and being a good mommy to Lily. I'm already having my butt kicked working part-time and attending MCC full-time.

It's overwhelming.

The thought of trusting my daughter into someone else's hand- someone who we are not related to and will never love her as we do, is the most challenging aspect of our near future. I'm not ready to give up finishing school, but I am wondering if I am just being selfish...

I know teaching will bring more financial security to our family. I know it is something that will bring me joy. I know my heart is with the city students of Rochester.

But I just don't see how it will all work out. So that is why I live day to day.

I have faith it will all come togther. I know God has all the details worked out. He would not have given me a heart for teaching...a heart for children unless he had a plan to use it.

And so tomorrow I will get up at 8am. Eat breakfast with Lily. I will finish my English paper. And go to school. and continue to go along in this life God has given me, trusting that all things work together for the good of those that love Him.

One day at a time.

Pictures!

2008-10-12T23:23:00.001-04:00

Pictures!

2008-10-12T23:09:00.002-04:00

Yes, even beautiful babies have bad hair days :)

I just love her eye lashes!

I actually caught a smile- be it a goofy one but it's a smile!! :)

Daddy's little helper.

Ryan was tired of shaving with cold water so

he finally fixed the hot water in the bathroom :)

Letchworth Pics...

2008-10-06T13:51:00.001-04:00

Some Pictures

2008-10-06T13:42:00.003-04:00

These are from her Birthday Party in August...

Tasting the sand- not too impressed :)
Here Grandma- you try it!
Mmmm....birthday cake is MUCH tastier than sand...

Playing with a new toy...

My Baby is One

2008-09-09T22:51:00.002-04:00

Gosh how fast this year has gone. To think that just over a year ago I was still pregnant anxiously awaiting my stubborn little girl.

That stubborn personality that she gave me a glimpse at last year as she had me wait 12 extra days for her arrival has shown even truer these last few months. She sure is a child after her mother's own heart!

Who would think that a 12 month old could melt-down in a grocery store because you put the can of soup, that she pulled off the shelf, back? Or that she crumple to the floor in a heap, screaming because the someone she doesn't want to see walks into the room? Or that she will push you away if you try to hug her when she is playing? Such an independent little thing!

But she knows how to make her mama smile. The other day she was playing on the floor and randomly stood up and walked over to me and kissed my cheek- and the promptly ran back to her toys. My heart melted.

On another day I randomly asked her to dance- I had no clue that she even knew what dancing was- and she does this hilarious little jig. Now every time we ask her to dance, she gets this big grin on her face and shakes her little diaper butt and bounces her knees. Gosh is she adorable!

She loves to wave and blow kisses (even to complete strangers). If she is upset all we have to do is bring her on to the front porch and she'll just sit there waving to the cars and people as they pass by- content as could be.

She loves to laugh. If people around her are laughing she feels the need to laugh as well and has this hilarious fake laugh. She also fakes coughing when someone else coughs or sneezes. Such a copycat!

The other night we were watching the Republican Convention on TV and Lily scooted herself to the edge of the couch like she was completely intrigued by what was being said and would randomly start clapping and smiling- as though she understood what they were saying. I think we might have a future republican on our hands- though we didn't watch the Democratic Convention at all so she really only knows one side of the story- LOL :). Don't worry- I'llstay away from politic on my blog.

One year old. Amazing.

From a baby that pretty much just cried, ate, pooped and slept to an independent, spirited toddler in merely 12 months time.

Last night, a woman I know only on-line, lost her 14-month-old son in a tragic accident last night.(http://edmonton.ctv.ca/servlet/an/lo...b=EdmontonHome, http://www.canada.com/edmontonjourna...6-073cff263f67, http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/st...d.html?ref=rss) And throughout the evening I can't help but think that I don't know how I would make it through such a tragedy. I cannot imagine the horror Sarah (his mom) felt when the cops pulled her over on her way home to tell her that her little son had passed. The guilt the father feels.

I've held Lily a little closer, a little tighter and a little longer tonight that normal. When she melted down over a toy, instead of becoming frustrated, I thanked God I have my daughter and I thank him for her safety. It only takes a second. One second for your life to change forever. One second.

Those who blame the parents, probably don't have children. Don't understand the meaning of 'constant movement'. Yes, this could have been prevented, but I cannot blame little Reed's parents. Tragedy like this can befall even the best of parents. We do our best to keep our children safe- but we aren't perfect, we cannot be perfect, and that scares the crap out of me. I know I must trust my Lily to her Father, but the fear remains.

Anyway, some happy news?

We close on our new home on Thursday!!!!

Back to my Busy Life

2008-09-04T13:25:00.002-04:00

So...after 3 weeks off of work- I am back to work. I do love my job, so it's not bad, but I am still trying to get everything completely set for the new school year.

I am also back to school. Not too bad so far but I am definitely getting a glimpse into how crazy I am going to be in a few short weeks. I really should have thought twice about taking 3 writing-intensive courses as well as a math course...and 60 hours of service learning...

We are still not in our new home...we are just finishing week 4 of living back at my parents. After 6 years of living either on my own or with just Ryan I'm not quite liking this whole lack of privacy thing or the fact that most of everything I own is in storage and I am living out of one suitcase. But it will all be worth it when we are finally 'home'.

Lily's birthday party was Saturday...can you belive that in 2 short days my baby will be one?? She is already walking and says=and understand so much. Where has the time gone...

Anyway, she just woke from a nap and we have to get ready to go...

A moment to Remember...

2008-07-31T23:14:00.002-04:00

Remembering precious Damien today. One year ago today little Damien was he born still and instead of celebrating his 1st birthday we are mourning the life he never got to live. His mother and I were both due in August 2007 and her loss is always on my heart. It could have so easily been my own. I cannot imagine her pain.

A Lament for My Baby
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Camping '08

2008-07-28T21:09:00.001-04:00

My brother Sam Fishing

Lily being awe-struck by a leaf- the wonders of being a baby

Beware of the Baby and her Stick!

Camping Pics

2008-07-28T21:00:00.002-04:00

"Hi Mom!"
Yummy Marshmellow!

Life

2008-07-12T00:11:00.002-04:00

I know I am posting more pics than anything...life is just so busy. We are all doing well, very well in fact!

As you can see from the pics below, we spent 4th of July in PA for my cousins wedding. I went with my family and Ryan stayed home. The drives were very long. We left at 4:30am on Friday in hopes that Lily would sleep...but of course she woke up at 6am ready to play and sick of her carseat. My dad drove and I sat in the back trying to keep a 10 month old happy for an 8 hour car drive.

We spent Friday and Saturday at my aunts...Lily and I shared a hotel room with my Aunt and Uncle because otherwise we would have had to sleep on the floor and I knew Lily wouldn't sleep well that way. Trying to find a hotel room on the 4th of July didn't prove easy...but we finally found one...for $150 a night :(.

Saturday Lil and I spent most of the morning at the hotel because we didn't have a ride to my aunts. I watched "I love Lucy" re-runs and Lily slept. It was actually very relaxing.

The wedding was on Saturday at 3pm. It was beautiful. Lil didn't last through the first 5 minutes so my mom took her to the back of the church. Every once in awhile you could hear a very loud 'DADADADA" or squeal but she did okay. The reception didn't start until 6pm. It was nice but we were all so tired. We left around 9pm for Rochester as I had to work on Monday. Lil slept until 12:30am and then proceeded to scream for 2 hours. We stopped and tried to calm her but she just didn't want to be in her carseat and there was nothing we could do about that so we just kept going, all of us taking turns trying to get her back to sleep.

We were so cramped on the way home because there were 6 of us squished into my dads truck! But we finally got to Rochester around 4am.

Ryan left for Ohio on Wednesday for the deposition regarding the lawsuit against him from a car accident. Of course they called after he was 3 hours into the trip to tell him it had been cancelled but I was able to plead with them to at least get Ryan's part done even if the couple suing us wasn't there...so they did that.

Ryan said it was ridiculous...the questions made no sense:
'Did you drive a work vehicle earlier that day?"
"Do you have any children?"
"How old is she?"
"Who did you call imediately following the accident?"
"Did you call anyone else other than 911?"
"What was you cell phone number at the time of the accident?"
"Who was you cell phone provider at the time of the accident?"
"Who is you cell phone provider now?"
"Did you stop anywhere along the way home before the accident?"
"Did your mom send you on any errands prior to the accident?"

You get the gist...our lawyer finally stopped the questioning after 2 hours as it was obvious they had nothing to do with the case against us. The lawyer seemed to think that it would not go to trial and that they would eventually settle. He told Ryan not to worry...easier said than done!

We are still in the proccess of buying our home. And goodness is it a proccess! We were supposed to close today...obviously that didn't happen. I call the bank at least once a day and have only received a handful of returned calls since April! Our paperwork is all in and has been in for a long time but the bank keeps 'misplacing' our documents. It is so ridiculous! I know it will all be worth it when we are in our home, but right now I am beyond frustrated. Our closing date was moved to the 18th...this is the 3rd time it's been pushed back due to 'lost' paperwork (We were originally supposed to close June 30). I'll be glad when this is all overwith.

Lily is one busy baby. She started creeping/crawling in May and is now a champion crawler. She pulls up on everything and still puts everything in her mouth. She says 'mama', 'dada', 'at' (cat), 'dag' (dog) and 'woof' (any animal). She loves to sing...any music must be sung to...even commericals! She is into everything and I mean EVERYTHING. You have to have eyes on her at all times because you never know what she will do or get into next.

We are begining the awful process of finding a daycare for her for this fall. It terrifies me. Other that 3 times in the nursery at church I have never left her with someone not in my family. Just the thought of trusting someone else to care for my baby is terrifying. Affording it is also not a fun thought...almost $1000 a month!!! I don't even make that much!

So...that is what is going on with us. Nothing exciting but still busy and rather stressful. I am so glad I did not take any classes this summer- I don't know if I would have made it!

Random lily pictures

2008-07-09T23:48:00.001-04:00

Lily in the moby wrap
Strawberry picking
See her 1st tooth??
Tasty Toes!

Cousin's wedding

2008-07-09T23:39:00.002-04:00

Dancing with cousin Jon

How low can you go?

Di's wedding

2008-07-09T23:32:00.002-04:00

Tired Baby

Father Daughter Dance
Mother & Son Dance
The Kiss

Cousin Diana's Wedding :)

2008-07-09T23:19:00.002-04:00

Almost 10 months

2008-07-03T17:13:00.000-04:00

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

2008-06-19T21:51:00.002-04:00

Life changes...

2008-06-08T00:04:00.002-04:00

Dad resigned after 22 years. His last night is Tuesday. He is off to truck driving school on Tuesday. He will complete the classes by September and then will have to travel for 6 weeks to comeplete some on-site training. He is really excited as this has been something he has wanted to do for years (his dad was a truckdriver) and he just needed a little 'push' to go for it.

I try not to worry- but aparently that is something I do a lot. I know this is what he wants and that he will enjoy it. But I worry for his safety and health. I worry about job security with the rising gas prices. I worry that Lily won't get to see him as often (and she just adores her grampy). But I am working on placing these worries in the hands of God and knowing that He has this all under control.

My sister found a job as a nanny for 2 boys starting on Tuesday. She is thrilled.

This leaves me with no one to watch Lily (as she and my dad were her primary babysitters), but I have to believe this will all work out.

I have been blessed with an amazing family and there is not one day that I do not thank God for all he has given me. My dad is one of the most important people in my life. Without his never ending love and support and guidance I know I would not be who I am today. His relationship with Lily is precious. He watches her every day and just holds her the whole time. She almost always leaps toward him as soon as she sees him and sometimes she doesn't even want to come to me when I go to pick her up. I'm thankful always that my daughter has this opportunity to have such a close relationship with her grandfather as that is something I missed a lot as a child.

Although there are many days that I struggle to get through, I know there are people I can turn to, people who will support me through the most difficult days. I rarely share with my family exactly the challenges I struggle with, but just having their love is enough to get me through a lot of it. Their love is a true reflection of the love of my heavenly Father and I know that love like that is not something all children receive.

And now it is my turn to show Lily the love of her Father...

Almost 9 month old Lily

2008-06-05T20:30:00.000-04:00

Almost 9 month old Lily

2008-06-05T20:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't been this angry in a while...

2008-05-22T19:20:00.001-04:00

I just got off the phone with Ryan...and he just told me that my sister was fired today. I am close to tears. My entire family works for the same company- my sisters and I have grown up with the company, we used to spend holidays there when we were kids. My sister absolutely loves her job. Her work is a part of who she is.

I guess yesterday they had her sign a form saying she would cover her tatoos and take out her tongue ring (per agency policy) and that she would not 'be rude to soandso'. My sister is strong in her opinions and stands up for the residents at every opportunity, but I guess she stepped on some toes and pissed some people off. There were some things going on that were not right at the site that she worked she insisted they be taking care of and I have a feeling that she was fired due to how much she insisted it be taken care of.

Anyway, today they pulled her into the office and her manager came out crying. When she went into the meeting she was told she was being fired. She's been crying for hours and cannot even talk. My parents are HIGHLY respected within the company. Both are ready to quit. If I could afford to and didn't love my job so much I would quit today. It makes no sense, I mean they just promoted her to assistant manager a month ago!I just want to cry for her

Some Pictures

2008-05-19T12:59:00.002-04:00

1 more final to go...

2008-05-19T12:52:00.002-04:00

I have my last final for the semester on Thursday...thank goodness! I am worn out beyond belief...I am really looking forward to a relazing summer.

I know I have an A in Abnormal Psych and an A in my Education 200 class...I currently have a 99 in Math and a 98 in Science...but we'll see how long that lasts after my finals. I think I did okay on my Science final this morning, but there were only 10 questions and it is worth 10% of my grade...so I hope I didn't miss more than 1 question...

My math final is Thursday...and I am a bit worried but I'm trying not to stress...

With trying to buy a house, taking care of a busy 8 month old, being a wife, keeping our apartment clean, working and school I think it would be okay to give myself a break if I don't get straight A's...but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be disappointed if I got less that all A's- that's the perfectionist side of me...

So...yep...life is crazy, but it sure is good :)

Spring Break Pics

2008-04-20T22:42:00.000-04:00

Spring Break Pics 2

2008-04-20T22:37:00.000-04:00

A non-baby update?

2008-04-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

Am I boring you with all that baby talk/pics yet? It's amazing how much of my life revolves around my little one. I love it and would never change a thing- but I feel a bit uncool at times, especially when I compare my life to that of those around me. So many women are waiting much longer to have babies, which means that most girls my age don't have children.

I sit in my ridiculously dry Science for Teacher's class and listen to these 20-somethings talk about their latest tatoo or the most recent stupid thing their boyfriend did or how mean their parents are, and I truly wonder how I will ever be able to entrust my precious little girl's education to their hands? I am certain that these girls would have annoyed me even before I was a mother/wife/employee/college student.

This whole entitlement mentality is mind blowing to me. These girls will sit in lab and let our professor do their work for them and not even try to figure out the difference between an alcohol chemical formula and an ketone chemical formula, and then become outraged when they score a 40 on the exam. By some stroke of luck I chose to sit with 3 students who actually take their education seriously (and who can tell the difference between a ketone and an alcohol)- we scored the only A's on the last exam- the class average was a 60.

So, life as a full-time student has been challenging. I have finally mastered the art of tuning out obnoxious 20-somethings who have no worries but getting to an 8am class before 8:20am- which has helped my stress levels considerable (less time spent being pissed at their total lack of respect for man-kind). Only 4 weeks left...I think I can do it ;)

Lily isn't thrilled with my school schedule. I try to explain that it is what is best for all of us, but I don't think she grasps that- she exemplifies her extreme distate for my school work by screaming as loud as she can every time I sit at the computer or open my "Abonormal Behavior in Children" text. Her daddy tries to comfort her...but she has my temper and often refuses to be comforted by anyone but her mommy. It's heartwarming and frustrating. But again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Work is work. I love my job. I love the kids. I just wish I could bring Lilyanne with me.

Alright- Lily is hoping that if she screams loud enough or turns a deep enough shade of purple I will stop typing- so before she cries so hard she throws up (which she has been known to do), I will try to get her to bed. Thanks for reading. Perhaps I will find time to update more later. :)

Can you believe she is over 7 months old??

2008-04-13T00:06:00.001-04:00

At the Park- 1

2008-04-13T00:03:00.003-04:00

Lily and her Daddy

At the Park

2008-04-13T00:00:00.004-04:00

Yes, she is chewing on Ryan's sweatshirt :) yummy!

I think she was pointing at one of the kids running around...

she is so much more observant now!

Difficult Day

2008-03-25T20:52:00.003-04:00

I was not prepared for what I had to do tonight. I do not think any parent is every prepared.

The daughter of one of my employees passed away last Tuesday. She was only 15 months old. She had heart surgery about a month of ago. She did okay after the surgery for about a week, but since then she was fighting infection after infection. And she got more and more sick. Yet, our whole team believed she would make it. We prayed for her. We'd started to make an Easter basket to send to her at Strong...

But sadly, she passed early Tuesday March 18th. 2 days before she was to turn 15 months old.

And tonight was her calling hours. Seeing precious little Heaven (her name) lie there so still in her little casket broke me. Watching her 'big' sister (she's 6) go up and touch her cold little hand and cry...I just don't get it.

I know God had a purpose for little Heaven, and I know her existence touched more people than many who live to be a hundred, but I just don't understand it. It is not fair that a child so young, so perfect, so beautiful should have to have lived such a painful and short life...

As I watched her mother mourn so deeply for the child she has lost I could not help but think of my own little Lily and how precious every single minute with her is. I got to come home tonight to my little daughter. Shana will never again go home...or to the hospital...to hold her little Heaven.

I cannot write anymore...my heart is aching for little Heaven and her mommy and her big sister. I was not prepared for these emotions. No one ever is. We shouldn't have to be...not for the loss of a child.

Easter! And her silly duck!

2008-03-25T20:45:00.003-04:00

She just loves to lie on ducky like this! It's so cute!

She put the paci in by herself- LOL!

Easter!

2008-03-25T20:41:00.003-04:00

6 months!

2008-03-17T12:51:00.002-04:00

5 months

2008-03-17T12:49:00.001-04:00

4 months

2008-03-17T12:48:00.002-04:00

3 months

2008-03-17T12:45:00.002-04:00

2 months

2008-03-17T12:34:00.002-04:00

1 month

2008-03-17T12:32:00.002-04:00

Birth

2008-03-17T12:29:00.001-04:00

St Patrick's Day Parade

2008-03-15T23:51:00.002-04:00

St Patrick's Day Parade

2008-03-15T23:47:00.002-04:00

2008-03-15T23:42:00.000-04:00

Conservatory Pictures

2008-03-15T23:39:00.000-04:00

Pics from the Conservatory today

2008-03-15T23:32:00.000-04:00

6 months old!

2008-03-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

Lily has reached her 1/2 birthday! We had a little dinner at my mom and dad's yesterday. She was kinda cranky though because her legs were bothering her from her shots :(.

At her 6 month appt on Friday she weighed in at 17.5lbs and measured 26.25 inches! She is getting so big and is already primarily in 9 month clothes!

She is a very social little girl- she just loves people! She smile at everyone. She is babbling so much- "dadadadadada" is her favorite babble. She sits up well and rolls over but there is no sign of her crawling any time soon- which to be honest is fine with me! I so do not look forward to baby-proofing!

Baby Natalie- Bestfriend's baby

2008-02-27T18:59:00.001-05:00

Baby Girl

2008-02-27T18:55:00.000-05:00

Well that was one way to end the week....

2008-02-27T18:51:00.002-05:00

So, although the majority of our trip to Ohio was fun...we found out that Ryan's grandma is not doing well at all and no one had told us anything- we were so shocked because the last time we saw her she was up and about. And then his other grandma fell shortly after we left and is now at the hospital awaiting surgery....

and Ryan received notice that he is being sued for $25,000+ for a car accident he was in about 2 years ago...and so far his insurance is refusing to pay....

so yea...it's been a rough few days...

2008-02-19T00:54:00.003-05:00

So...I have a whole week off! No work! No School! What on earth will I do with myself?

We started off President's week with a trip to Old Forge New York at a camp on Sixth Lake (or was it Seventh? I don't rememeber!). It was a blast! My family (parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, grandma) rented a camp for the week (Ryan, Lily and I only stayed 'till today). We spent Saturday and Sunday just relaxing- we played Scategories and watched old movies. Today we spent the day snowmobiling. I'd only ever snowmobilied once before and that was a long time ago- I totally forgot how much fun it is. We went all over they awesome trails throughout the mountains! We saw bear tracks, hear coyote's and saw some huge deer. The sites were awesome!

The pictures below are from our trip.

Tomorrow I have to run to school to drop off a form and will hopefully get some schoolwork done (doubt that- Lil doesn't appreciate the importance of homework and prefers to help her mommy by eating textbooks!). I also have to get some laundry done because we leave for Ohio Thursday night. My best friend had a baby on January 22nd (the day before my birthday!) and I have yet to meet little Natalie so we are going down to meet her and spend some time with Ryan's family.

I have a meeting for work on Wednesday (anyone want to babysit an adorable little girl?? all of my babysitters are still in Old Forge!)....

So I guess my week 'off' filled up kinda quickly...

I have been exhausted lately- school and work and baby and Ryan have proven to be difficult to balance. It's hard to study when you have a little girl to play with. I have a feeling my excellent GPA may not be so excellent by the end of this semester. I have done well so far but I think my Science class may ruin it all for me. I'm so not a science person. Who cares if a cup of coffee or an iceburg has more thermal energy anyway? (It's the iceburg).

I really do love work though! I have a great team of staff (did I tell you I've been promoted to manager of an after-school program for kids of disabilities?) and the kids are all awesome!

My babysitter quit on me last week...Lily is quite a mama's girl and I think Lily struggled with sharing the attention with my babysitters son and thus made it challenging for the babysitter to give both children the attention they needed. I'm glad she told me it was too much- I'd much rather her do that than become overwhelmed and put herself in a position in which one of the babies gets hurt, but I'm now stuck...ah, the joys of being a mommy and working and in school. I know my family will take over the hours she had Lily, but I also know it is not easy for them to do so and I feel guilty for depending on them so much.

Well, I have a feeling Lily will be up soon (she has decided that she no longer needs to sleep through the night and she would much rather hang out with mommy at 1am, 3am, 5am and any other odd hour possible), so I should probably try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading! Enjoy the pictures!

She's 5 1/2 Months!!

2008-02-19T00:51:00.001-05:00

More!

2008-02-19T00:48:00.003-05:00

Bath Time

2008-01-25T11:09:00.000-05:00

2008-01-25T11:04:00.000-05:00

Pics

2008-01-25T10:59:00.000-05:00

First Cereal
Yummy Fingers

Insanity :)

2008-01-16T13:38:00.000-05:00

So, about a month for now I will know if I am as insane as I think I am! I will be returning to school this spring (starts the 22nd) and I am working about 30 hours a week and I am a mommy to an amazing 4 month old. I love being in school and for the 1st time ever it is completely covered by financial aid (even my books and parking permit)! I have always paid out of pocket, so the relief I felt when I saw that grants were going to cover everything was incredible.

I was recently promoted to be the manager of a new after-school program for children/teens with disabilities. We opened last week and so far it has been a lot of fun. When I returned to work in November I only went back part-time and worked in the other after-school program in Fairport. I only work 3.5-5 hours a day, which has made it so much easier to return to work. I was dreading going back full-time.

Thankfully my dad and my sister have been watching Lily for me while I work so she does not have to go to daycare (we couldn't afford daycare if we wanted to). She is doing well there- the 1st month was hard because she cried a lot, but she is begining to get used to being away from me. She is still quite a mommy's girl. She has recently started reaching up for me to pick her up when I get home from work. It melts my heart every time.

She had her 4 month appt last week- she was 15lbs 2oz and 25 1/4 inches! She has doubled her birth weight!!!

For my birthday my family bought me a new camera- a Nikon D40x! I am so thrilled to learn to use all of its features and to start buying accesories (flashes, lenses, filters, etc).

I don't think 5 years ago I would have believed that I would be celebrating my 23rd birthday with my husband and daughter! Everything has changed so fast. Lily is sitting in her exercauser (thanks again bethany!!) squealing as she tries to attack the dragon on it and I am just amazed that 4 months ago she couldn't even hold her head up or stay awake for more than an hour. Amazing.

Lily's Christmas dress

2008-01-16T13:34:00.000-05:00

2008-01-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

2008-01-16T13:30:00.000-05:00

Yes....even more pictures :)

2007-12-10T22:14:00.000-05:00

3 Months Old!

2007-12-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

Mmmm....teddy tastes good!

Thanksgiving Weekend Pictures

2007-12-03T00:03:00.000-05:00

2007-12-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here listening to my daughter, yes my daughter, (even after 3 months it seems odd to say I have a daughter), coo and chat to herself in her basinet. She has been 'chatting' for 10 minutes now and it has to be the best sound in the world. She has a mobile with puppies on it, so I am sure she thinks she is talking to them and begining to wonder why they don't talk back, but I just love to listen to her soft little voice.

I just went to check on her because her coos began to sound sad, and she looked at me and giggled so sweetly with a precious little smile. I would hold her, but I know she needs to sleep- she's been up almost all day so she must be tired. We spent the day at my mom and dads to celebrate Ryan's 23rd birthday.

She had the opportunity to meet 4 wonderful friends of mine tonight at the Rochester Airport and although she was sleepy, I am so happy that she met them.

She is growing so fast. She is starting to reach for and grab toys and loves watching peoples faces.

I went back to work last week. I only returned part-time and Lil stayed with my dad while I worked. I am working with children with developmental disabilties at an afterschool program. It really is fun! I missed my little girl so much, but I know she was in good hands. My sister took Lil to the Strong museum on Thursday and I guess Lil loved the lights and sensory toys. I hope to get her a membership there for Christmas.

We are so excited for her first Christmas. We decided to not get her much (afterall she did get a whole bedroom full on wonderful things when she was born!) and instead we 'adopted' a little boy through the Salvation Army and bought him some toys and clothes. I truly believe it is more important to give than get, and this is a lesson I want Lil to learn from a young age. Although the baby we bought gifts for may not remember this Christmas (as he is Lil's age), his parents will and I hope that will help them feel loved and remembered this Christmas.

Lil's coos have turned sad again so I am going to go cuddle her and hopefully get some sleep soon...

Lily in her first pair of jeans!

2007-11-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

2007-11-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

This is Lily playing in her exersaucer from Bethany B. She loves it!

It'll All Work Out!

2007-11-03T14:25:00.001-04:00

The question I hear most when being asked about Lil is "does she sleep through the night yet?". I'm not really sure why this question is so important to people- I guess they assume that because Lil is sleeping through the night that I am too. Well, I wish that were the case. My days and nights are so messed up right now. Night seems to be the only time I can get anything done- cleaning, cooking, relax, etc.

It'll be interesting to see how I will get anything done when I go back to work at the end of the month and even more so when school starts in January. I'm already tired 100% of the time.

I know I am putting more pressure on myself than necessary. Yet, I wake up each morning feeling like a horrible mommy. I'm sure a lot of these feelings are stemming from the fact that I am seriously sleep-deprived and I'm sure in general many mom's worry about failing their childs and everyone elses expectations.

I have an amazing baby- she sleeps well, she is beautiful, she is generally happy and full of smiles, so why am I struggling so much to balance everything? Lil demands so little of me other than to be held and cuddled and fed and changed, so why is it so hard to get through most days?

This morning I was trying to make chili for dinner, so I put Lily in her highchair in the hallway outside the kitchen so she could watch me (in hopes that it would keep her calm), but of course in the middle of browning the meat, Lily decides she is tired of the highchair. She started fussing, so I put some toys on her tray to look at and talked and sang to her as the meat finished cooking. By the time I could pick her up she was quite upset. I held her and sang to her and cuddled her, but she was just too upset to respond. My heart felt like it was breaking, I felt so bad for her. I'm her mommy I should be able to keep her happy. Babies cry. I do know that. But I just feel that at 8 weeks she's too little to "cry it out", she needs reassurance that she is not alone. Eventually I will probably have to let her cry it out, but she's still so little and I know if she is crying there is a reason.

After 10 minutes or so of crying, she did calm down and cuddled some and then fell asleep in my arms, and even though I had other things to do, I could not put her down. Ryan says I spoil her by holding her so much, but I just want her to know that she isn't alone, that she can trust that I will do whatever I can to help her feel safe and loved.

I sometimes wish things were different. I feel guilty that I am not done with college yet because it means I will have even less time with Lily when I am at school. I feel guilty that we cannot provide Lily with a house. I feel guilty that I had to buy her nursery furniture used because we couldn't afford the latest and the greatest. I feel guilty that I will have to leave her to go to work in a month because we cannot afford for me to be home with her. I feel guilty that we can't give Lily everything she deserves and I just wish I would have used the years before Lily was here to accomplish more. Granted I am only 22 so there weren't all that many years to do much with, but I could have at least been almost done with college and we could have saved more money for a house rather than spend it on unnecessary things.

Yet, when I do start feeling guilty about these things, I look back at my childhood and remember it will all work out. It really will. My mom and dad had very little financially, but they provided us with a childhood I wouldn't trade for anything. We did have christmas' and birthdays in which we didn't have christmas presents, and we had weeks where mom didn't know where dinner was going to come from. But I don't really remember any of this, what I remember is making forts out of appliance boxes, going to church every sunday, family dinners every night, my mom and dad reading chapter books to us before bed and my mom and dad praying over us every night before bed. I remember family camping trips, and family devotions, I remember fun homeschool experiments with my cousins and playing baseball with the neighborhood kids. And I realize that it wasn't the physical objects that made my childhood, it was my parents physical/emotional/spiritual presence. And that is how I know it will all work out. Lily doesn't need the latest toys or the newest clothes, she needs her mommy and daddy to love her and raise her in a home that is filled with the love and goodness of her Heavenly Father- and I know Ryan and I can provide her that.

I want Lily to grow up knowing that life is more than what this world provides.

Of course, it will be good to one day get to a place where we can provide more financially for our family, but I just need to keep reminding myself that there are more important things in life than physical objects.

2007-10-27T23:07:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to add that Lily's costume is a pink cat- it's from her aunt Katie- a well established cat lover. I wanted to clarify because at the fall party we attended last night everyone thought she was a mouse! Hahaha!

Can you believe she'll be 8 weeks next week? She smiles all the time now and is such a happy little girl.

Costume Pictures

2007-10-27T11:16:00.000-04:00

2007-10-27T11:15:00.001-04:00

2007-10-27T11:12:00.000-04:00

2007-10-23T23:47:00.000-04:00

Ryan is out of town for work until tomorrow- so here it is almost midnight and Lily has been sleeping for 3 hours and I am wide awake! :) Lily has been a bit fussy the last few days so I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I hate not being able to make her happy- I nurse her, I change her, I play with her, I cuddle her, I sing to her, I read to her, but she still cries :(. Maybe she just misses her daddy?

I don't think I ever realized how consuming motherhood is. There are no breaks. There is no time alone. I'm not complaining- Lily is amazing and I love every moment with her, but it is overwhelming at times. I think breastfeeding makes things a bit more complicated- I can't run to the store without her because what if she gets hungry while I'm gone? I absolutely love nursing her but it does make it a bit more challenging to run errands and get things done. I do not regret my decision to breastfeed her because I know it is what is best for her, but sometimes I would like to run to the store without worrying about what happens if she needs to eat. I think I just need to get more comfortable with feeding her in public (because nursing her in a public restroom just isn't appealing!) and maybe then I won't feel so stuck inside.

After 2 days without Ryan I have to say kudos to single parents- I don't know how you do it!

We visited Ohio last week and Lily was able to meets Ryan's family! It was great seeing everyone there. I was able to see a few of my girl friends and it was so nice to be able to just sit and chat. Lily wasn't too impressed with the length of the drive but she did okay (she did scream from Buffalo to Rochester though, which was heartbreaking- and loud!).

Anyway, I'm dreading going back to work in a month....I know I've complained about being lonely at home all day, but I just don't want to have to leave Lily for 9 or 10 hours 5 days a week- it breaks my heart just thinking about it. If only we didn't have to pay any bills- LOL! Maybe I'll be able to go part-time next year- that would be so perfect, but we will have to see.

So...I guess I'm just rambling, I should probably try to get some rest.

2007-10-23T15:45:00.000-04:00

2007-10-23T15:43:00.000-04:00

The Many Moods of Lily

2007-10-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

2007-10-11T11:54:00.000-04:00

All Dressed Up

2007-10-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

Family

2007-10-02T12:52:00.000-04:00

We had a busy weekend! Lily was able to meet many of her relatives on my side. Below are the pictures. I would write more but I have yet to master typing and holding Lily!

She found her thumb!!

2007-10-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

Lily and Cousin Ally

2007-10-02T12:37:00.000-04:00

Lily and her great-great-grandmother

2007-10-02T12:35:00.000-04:00

all smiles!

2007-10-02T12:33:00.000-04:00

apple picking

2007-10-02T12:26:00.000-04:00

2 Weeks Old!

2007-09-20T21:35:00.000-04:00

We are starting to get into a routine- as much of a routine as possible with a newborn! I've learned this week that there is no such thing as a *quick* errand anymore. My dad invited us over for lunch yesterday and we started getting ready at 10am and didn't actually walk out the door until after 1pm- lol! I don't mind, but it does amaze me how much longer everything takes now!

I have to admit that it is a bit lonely being at home all day but Lily and I are starting to go out more (our big outing today was grocery shopping!), which does help. I'm not someone that easily just sits still, I like to be up and about and busy so I am having to learn to adjust to this slower pace. My parents have been awesome with helping us with meals and doing laundry- it gives them more excuses to come see Lily. It's so odd seeing them as grandparents but they are loving it- my dad would hold her forever if he could.

My grandma is coming to visit this weekend. Lily is her first great-grandchild and I know she is anxious to meet her.

Being a mother is more than I ever imagined. As overwhelming and exhausting as it is at times, every moment in precious and every day I see and learn something new.

Even Babies have Bad Hair Days!

2007-09-20T21:32:00.000-04:00

Ryan couldn't resist taking this picture- gotta love the hair!

One Proud Mommy

2007-09-16T18:35:00.000-04:00

Yes- I am one of those moms who cannot stop taking pictures of their little ones! :-) Here are a few from last week:

Time Flies!

2007-09-14T14:50:00.000-04:00

Goodness- people warned me about how fast time flies once a baby arrives and they were soo right- I'm almost scared that if I blink I'll open my eyes and she'll be walking and talking!! I can't even explain how amazing it feels to be a mom- I never could have dreamed I could be so happy and so in love with someone so tiny.

Lily and I went out by ourselves for the first time today- she went to visit her grandma at work so that I could finish up some paperwork stuff at work. Of course my mom had to show her off to all of her friends which made me nervous because she is so small but I think Lily enjoyed the attention! She was so quiet and alert!

Lily's birth was a bit scary but worth every minute. Her heart did not tolerate labor well and my midwife tried to slow labor down a few times (I was progressing very quickly) to give Lily a chance to relax- but aparently my body wasn't willing to cooperate. Eventually though her heart did stabilize and we were able to avoid a c-section. When she was born her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and that is likely why her heartrate would drop so much with the contractions. She was not breathing immediately at birth and it was so heart-wrenching to watch the pediatrician whisk her to the warming table and suction her lungs and give her oxygen- I just wanted to hear her cry and when she finally did I cried too. I got to hold her about 20 minutes after she was born (which were probably the longest 20 minutes of my life!) and I didn't let her go for a very long time.

We are so happy and so blessed.

2007-09-09T16:30:00.000-04:00

Introducing...

2007-09-09T16:26:00.000-04:00

Lilyanne Sadie Moll

9/6/2007

9:39am

7lb 9oz

22 1/2inches

Little Teaser!

2007-09-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

So yeah...after 50+ hours of prodromal (fake) labor- I'm still pregnant. But man did that wipe me out- contractions 3-4 minutes apart and lasting a minute- I was not a happy camper! :-) We did end up going to labor and delivery around 11pm on Saturday night because I was sooo exhausted and in a lot of pain- but they couldn't really do anything because the contractions were not progressing labor at all. They said I was really too exhausted for them to try to induce the labor- and I was definitely in agreement. I really don't want to be induced anyway- I'd rather Lily come on her own terms. So, they have me the choice of staying and having an IV of morphine or going home with some narcotics to try to get some sleep...I chose to go home, I knew we would be more comfortable at home than in the hospital and I really didn't want to expose the baby to morphine. The contractions lasted until Monday morning at 8...since then I've gotten some more sleep- thank God! I'm still very sore and tired but I'm okay.

Ryan was so amazing during the whole thing. I don't know what I would have done without him. He held me and helped me through every contraction. I broke down when the midwife told us that the contractions were not progressing labor- I couldn't imagine being in so much pain for no reason. And Ryan just climbed onto the little hospital bed and held me and comforted me. I felt like such a dork. I hate crying in front of people, but I was just so tired and run down. When we got to the car I broke down again (and FYI, sobbing, contractions and a car ride don't work well together!) and he just reached over held my hand...and tried to comfort me. He stayed awake with me the whole night just holding me and helping me through the pain (and this is a man who NEEDS his sleep!)...he never once said he was tired or complained. I definitely felt loved and that is what got me through the long weekend. I think I've fallen even more in love with him after all of this!

Anyway- so yea, a rather dramatic and disappointing Labor Day weekend, but we made it through and soon enough it will all be worth it. I can't be pregnant forever! If she is not here by Thursday I have to be induced...so at the latest by Friday morning I will be holding little Lily!

Could This Be It?!?!

2007-09-01T05:06:00.000-04:00

I should so be resting right now, but i've tried and I just don't think I'll be able to...I've been having contractions since about 2:15am- about 4min apart and 40seconds long. I seriously hope this is Lily saying she's ready because if this is a false alarm I think I might just cry! :-)

I haven't woken ryan yet because if this is it than he will need his rest for tomorrow (rather, today) as it will likely be a very long day! I'm soooo excited...come on Lily! :-)

Anyway...pictures will definately be posted! The 3D one above is from Thursday...

Come on Now :-)

2007-08-29T10:37:00.000-04:00

I believe little Lily has inherited her mother's stubbornness...4 days overdue and not one sign that she is ready to meet mommy and daddy face to face! :-) She must be comfy! So now we are just playing the waiting game- and I swear each day is longer than the last! Friday was my last day of work until November and I am sooo bored!

I've tried to keep busy- but my thoughts always come back to holding my little one. I put together her high chair and bouncer by myself (I am really bad at putting things together- but I did it without getting frustrated even once!)...and I changed my address with my banks and credit cards, etc (I am also easily frustrated with talking to customer service on the phone- but I handled being on hold forever very well)...I've done all of our laundry- cleaned the kitchen and bathroom from top to bottom- twice...and I've taken my lil sis back to school shopping (mom warned me that she takes FOREVER to try clothes on- and she was right...)...I've visited work and i've shopped...and now I am running out of things to do!

Ryan and I have decided that it would be best for me to change my hours at work to evening, weekends and overnights- this will help with finding childcare. At first I was really excited about the change because I would be able to have more time with Lily and she would only need a babysitter for a few hours 3 days a week...but lately I've started to have a hard time adjusting to the idea. This sounds selfish, but I'm kinda upset about not being able to spend my evenings and weekends with Ryan- and we won't be able to drive to work together anymore...I know we are making the best decision for Lily, but I'm afraid of how lonely I will be...Ryan and I do everything together and just thinking about not being able to do that anymore is hard. Obviously the honor of being parents comes with sacrifice and I am willing to make those sacrifices, but it's still a huge challenge that is at times overwhelming.

I do hope little Lily decided to arrive soon- my body isn't really enjoying pregnancy anymore. Obviously I am trying to be positive and enjoy these last few hours or days with just Ryan and I, but I sooo want to hold my little girl. And it might be nice to be able to roll over in bed without causing a mini-earthquake...and to tie my shoes without squishing my stomach...and to get off the couch without assistance...etc, etc...but yes, most of all I just want my baby!

Deep Breath...

2007-07-25T17:16:00.000-04:00

One more month! 31 days. 4 weeks and 3 days. And my little one is due. I'm convinced she will be late. And I think I'll be in trouble if she decides to come early!

We still need to do so much...and I plan on working until Aug 24th (the day before her due date)...so baby needs to stay put until then! :-) School is done this week though, so that will at least free up my weekends.

We still need a lot of stuff (carseat, stroller, more clothes, etc), but I know that God will provide. Everything will come together and our baby will come home with everything she needs.

At my appointment yesterday, Lily measured exactly where she was supposed to- for the first time this pregnancy!! I am so happy- I knew she would catch up! Her heartrate was perfect and she is still headdown.

Ryan takes his electrical exam tonight. I believe he will do well, and it will bring some good changes to our family if he passes (he is considering opening his own buisness eventually). He loves electrical work, and although he does well at his current job, I know he wants to get back to doing what he loves. He has made so many sacrfices in moving to New York and I know God will honor his hard work.

We are settling into our new home. It is beautiful- but still very small. We are struggling to find storage for all of our stuff! Thankfully my mom and dad are letting us use the upper portion of their garage to put a lot of Ryan's tools and hunting gear. We went from 4 huge closets to 2 small closets and a tiny coat closet! But at least Lily has her own room and the apartment is much nicer than our older one. And in a year or so we will hopefully be in a home of our own (not that I look foward to a 7th move in 5 years!).

Lily

2007-07-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

Well, in about 56 days my little our will be here. At times it feels like so far away, but more and more often lately I am realizing that in less than 2 months I will be holding my own little girl. At the last ultrasound (about 5 weeks ago), she was already growing hair on her head- it was so neat to see. She is still measuring small (she's in the 34th percentile), but my midwife said that given that neither Ryan or I are big people Lily will probably just be a small baby and the midwife is no longer concerned about any health problems.

She's a fiesty little thing- anytime her daddy talks to her she feels the need to kick at him. Ryan loves this! I love feeling her move though. At first it was really weird, but now I think I might even miss it after she is born. I've heard that from now on the baby can recognize her parents voices. She is able to "practice" breathing with the amniotic fluid and open and close her eyes. It is amazing how much she has grown in the last 32 weeks- from a single cell to a beautiful baby that could survive (with some assistance eating and breathing) if she were born today. I don't think I ever realized how amazing the development of a baby is until now.

We are going on vacation with my family (camping) next week and the day we get back from there we will be moving to our new apartment. I can't wait to be in our new place- I'll finally be able to get Lily's room ready. I feel like I have so much to do before her arrival, but with moving there really isn't much I can do yet. At least with waiting it will help to make the last month pass by more quickly.

Anyway, I know this was just a long ramble about my little girl, but right now she is on my mind more than most other things (as I said, she loves to make her presence known!).

Control

2007-06-03T19:37:00.000-04:00

For so long the only way I felt safe was when I was in control. Many parts of my life built my need for control stronger and stronger. From being raised in a chaotic large family, to a unstable education, through an eating disorder, through rape, through separation from my family...I could only function when I felt I had some sort of control. If this meant taking the blame for things that weren't my fault, or if this meant shutting down when things fell apart, or hiding from the truth- I did it because otherwise I would have probably given up a long time ago.

Until the last 7 months. During the last 7 months I was forced to realize that sometimes I can't have the control. Through my little unborn child, God has shown me that sometimes (more often than not), I have to let go of the control. I have to place my baby's health, happiness and life into His hands. This has been difficult to learn, to do, but through this I have learned that control isn't all I've chalked it up to be. The responsibility for the health and happiness of a child is too overwhelming for one person to handle and I think that is partially why children are one of God's most precious gifts- among many other things, children teach their parents the limits of their power. Parents obviously have great responsibility when it comes to raising and loving their children- but only one parent can do it all- only one parent can heal their child- only one parents can protect His child from all harm- and that parent is not you or I, that parent is our Abba, and He has promised to do these things if we place the control, the faith and the hope in Him.

It took the complete loss of control for me to learn that control is not everything I thought it was. To be honest, I don't think I could handle the responsibility of being a mother to a small child if I did not know that I don't have to do it alone.

Pause

2007-05-13T13:21:00.000-04:00

I sometimes wish life had a pause button. So much is going on and I just need a bit of a break. I look at the last couple years and I just can't believe how much has changed. One year ago I was planning my wedding, and now in 1 week Ryan and I will celebrate our first anniversary and in 3 months we will be holding our little girl.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stressed out. My school finals are this week and next week, we are moving in 2 months (I have moved 6 or more times in the last 5 years and I swear it gets harder with every move), I am 6 months pregnant with a very active little girl and I swear every time I go to the doctors they give me one more thing to worry about (right now they are worried she isn't growing fast enough), and I have had a horrible kidney infection for the last few days (luckily I convinced my dr that going to the hospital was not necessary), and of course there is always my job (seriously cannot wait for maternity leave).

But I've always said I work best under pressure! I think once my finals are over I'll feel a lot better. I just have so much to do and I'm trying to do it all at one and all that does is get me exhausted. So I need to just concentrate on studying and once I'm done with the exams, I can start thinking about packing and all that other fun stuff.

I do love the apartment we are moving to, it has a balcony, central air and a dishwaher- all things I've never had in an apartment! It all newly updated and very nice looking. It is smaller in size than our current one but I think it will work for at least the next year. At least Lily will have her own room (if we stayed where we are we would have to sign another year lease and I can't really imagine sharing a room with a 1 year old!)

I had A's in all of my classes until I completly failed a History quiz, so I will be getting my first B ever, and to be honest, its not bothering me as much as I thought it would. I guess I'm just giving myself a break because I know how hard I've worked...:-) (and paying attention to a 3 hour history lecture while you have a baby kicking your bladder is not a very easy task!)

Anway...I am really rambling. Procrastinating might be a better word ;-)...

tomorrow is the history final, its going to be a long day because I have work from 8-4, a staff meeting 4-6 and the test from 7-10!

Anyway, sorry for the pointless post!

Shopping!

2007-04-27T19:04:00.000-04:00

And Here are some of the clothes we have gotten so far (can you tell I'm excited??)

Baby Pic (5 months)

2007-04-27T18:58:00.000-04:00

The ultrasound tech tried to get a 3D picture of her face, but she insisted on keeping her hands in front of it. I love seeing our little girl- I just can't wait to hold her...

Goodness

2007-04-17T18:39:00.000-04:00

As I said in my last post- things were tough and I desperately needed to learn that perfection should not by my goal.

For the first time in a long while, I can say that with a lot of effort and work, I can finally see myself truly growing in this area. At work, I've been working on not taking people's comments, glares, rudeness, etc. personally, and leaving my work at work instead of bringing it home with me every night. I had a horrible habit of bringing my work stresses home and taking them out on Ryan. The poor guy never knew what to do and this was not a fair position to put him or I in. I just had to come to the conclusion that not everyone is going to like me and that so long as I am doing my work and doing it well, I should really not be concerned with whether or not I am liked (I truly don't get paid enough try to be liked by everyone). The stress that has been lifted from my shoulders is incredible. And Ryan isn't terrified to ask how my day was :-)!

I don't think I ever truly thought I could grow in the area of accepting myself as I am, but I'm so glad I have. Obviously, I have a long way to go, but just accepting that not everyone has to like me has given me more freedom to be myself- to learn and grow the real me- instead of the "me" I thought people wanted to see.

This is no profound or deep post- it is more a post to say for the first time in a very long time I think my life is begining to take shape-to heal- and to be truly happy.

And of course, I can't end my post without a Lillyanne update. I have my next appt/ultrasound on Monday- I so cannot wait to see lil Lilly again! I was showing some of the girls at work the video from my last ultrasound today- I definately had some mother's pride going on! I just cannot wait to hold her in my arms.

2007-04-01T16:01:00.000-04:00

Again...I'm sorry for the limited posts. Life has just been busy. I don't have much time to post- We have to be at my mom and dads in half an hour for dinner- so this is just a quick update.

Anyway- We found out a few weeks ago that we are having a....GIRL! I'm thrilled, Ryan is still trying to get used to the idea as he was 100% sure he was having a boy (His immediate response was, "I guess we'll have to try again"), but I think by the time she is here he'll be the happiest father around!

We have decided to name her Lillyanne- we don't have a middle name yet, so if you have any ideas, let me know :-)

She is healthy and growing well. There are a couple things we are waiting results on, but I know God is taking good care of my little one. I can finally feel her kick- which truly is a weird feeling but it also lets me know that she is still okay.

Anyway- I just wanted to let you know that everything is going well.

Learning...

2007-03-02T15:27:00.000-05:00

This has been probably one of the most challenging weeks of my life. I feel like I finally start to feel okay, to find confidence in life, to trust and then it all falls apart.

To be honest, if I went into the detail I doubt they would make any sense and I serious doubt that they are important. What is important is that I am trying to use this time as a time to learn something, because I know otherwise I will crawl into my hole and stay there for a very long time.

For the first time every I am letting go of being "perfect". It is no longer going to be my goal. It cannot be because when I try to be perfect I actually end up holding myself back from all that God has for me.

Instead of focusing on the important parts of life, the beautiful parts of life, I have been distracted by how imperfect I am and I have lived a very discouraged life because of that. Every day is full of my failures, my dissapointments, my imperfections. I've never felt I was good enough- always striving for the day when all would be right and good. And that day will not be found on this earth.

This is challenging for me, it hurts. I can't tell you the number of times I have completely broken down during the last few days- and not just in the privacy of my room- at work, in my car, in my moms car. My desire for perfection has finally truly broken me.

But I know I must let go of it. I must realize that life is not about perfection. There is no perfect person nor thing other than God and yet God loves all of his creations. Striving for the impossible can only bring pain, humiliation and failure. I cannot continue to beat myself up for things I cannot or could not control, and even if I could control some things, I cannot beat myself up for mistakes. I have to be able to go on...or I will never move from this place in my life- and this place in my life really isn't the greatest place to be...